Tonight I’m feeling a bit depressed. I now remember why I haven’t gone out since I got pregnant. Now that I’m starting to show my whole world seems to be changing. Every time I think I have fully adapted, I receive a slap in the face that makes me feel like I’m starting over from scratch.
I went to a friend’s birthday party. It was at this overpriced restaurant and I was barely able to eat my meal but I didn’t go there for that, I went there for my friend. Everyone wants to talk about my pregnancy and ask me all these questions that I have no clue as to the answer.
As we were leaving, I contemplated going dancing at the club but then I thought what’s the point, my feet hurt, I felt fat, and I was having a mid pregnancy crisis. I had realized that after all this my life will permanently be changed. My life is going to be changed forever and this included sacrifice.
I’m feeling scared an alone. What have I done? Can I really handle this? Will I be a good mother? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way so far into things? I'm most scared that I will never find someone. That I’ll end up that sad and lonely cat lady who waits by the phone for updates from their child because I have absolutely no life of my own.
Tonight was the most depressing thing I’ve done – ever!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Hello Porn Star!!
So pre-pregnancy one of my favorite assests were my ta ta's. I loved my ripe 34 D ta ta's!
I recently discovered that I am now a 36 E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The scariest part was that the sales associate told me that at about 8 months through nursing they will go up even one more size to freaking 36 F's!!!
All I know is that if these babies (pun totally intended) don't look like they used to, then I will be forced to invest in mommy's chest prior to my baby's college fund:)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Reunited and it Feels So Good!
I am on my flight back home to Minneapolis and I find myself holding back the tears. My trip started out a little rocky but it turned out to be one of the best visits I’ve had in years.
My trip started on a Saturday morning but I had an appointment that I had to be at on Monday. My appointment was in Spokane, about 5 hours away from Seattle. I decided to fly into Seattle because it was $400 cheaper and that way I’d be able to visit my friends and family. My sister actually had plans to go that way to visit her boyfriend so she offered to take me. Then we decided to make it a family thing and bring my mom along. On a side note – I found out last week that my Mom has lupus. I don’t know all the detail quite yet but somehow hearing that news changed the dynamics of my relationship with my mother. My mother and I have had a rollcoaster existence but despite all that, this news has been heartbreaking and made me realize just how much I treasure having my mom there.
So anyways I was able to see my bff for life. My friend Amanda picked me up at the airport and we went shopping. I was crabby but having my bff there for moral support as I searched for prego jeans was priceless. We picked up my little brother and had lunch. Of course my 15 year old too cool for anything (also my fav person in the whole world) was begging me to stop by the liquor store for me. I just couldn’t do it. Even though his big sis probably didn’t seem that cool, I’m sure he was relieved by the fact that I never once even thought about telling on him, lol! We dropped my little brother off at my mom’s and my best friend and I spend some quality time with my mom. She looked good and I just didn’t want to let her go…
Next stop was visiting my bff’s family and then I was going to try and squeeze in a visit with my wifey (aka, my other best friend not to be confused with the bff). I spent the night with my best friend and I tried my best to mentally prepare myself for a 10 hour/2day car ride with my mom and sister!!
The next day came and off we went. Of course everything started off great and happy and then it soon turned into the battle of what two were going to pick on and antagonize the lone ranger. My mom and I spent some time alone in this small town bar while we were waiting for my sister on day 1. It was this bar called Dizzy’s or something like it. Being in that place totally made me feel dizzy but making one game of pool last an hour with my mom made up for it all! My mom and I picked out songs to play to interrupt the not so hot lesbo girls trying to get action while freak dancing to some lame ass county song. Something about Stevie Nicks will always remind me of the fun time I had with my mom as a little girl. So my mom and I dance and used to the pool sticks as our microphones. We were in our own world and I will treasure that moment forever. Finally it’s time to go pick up my sister and off we go again to try and make it just 90 more miles. We didn’t end up making it all the way that night so we stayed in some town I didn’t even know was on the map and decided to just wake up a little earlier the next morning.
Day 2 arrives and it came early. I fell asleep the night before Desperate Housewives went to its first commercial break. My sister is the worst to wake up. Omg, watch out is all I can say. Of course we all got into a morning argument only this time I was the bad guy for having to wake everyone up so damn early. My poor Mom; Some vacation she was having. We finally arrived to my destination point. I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be late because my Mom and my Sister just had to stop at 8:45 am to order Burgers. The smell made me want to die but I didn’t care because I was too anxious to get my appointment over with.
Everything went as planned at my appointment. I felt relived and accomplished and thought that pedicure’s on me would be a nice treat. So off we went to get pampered. Finally everyone was in a good mood. We decided to head back as we had another 5 hours of joy left. We were all hungry so we thought we should stop somewhere and eat first but we couldn’t find anything that looked good. We all wanted Mexican food but to our amazement there was no Mexican anything to be found. My sister stopped at a gas station to ask for directions to a Mexican restaurant. She came back with a confused look on her face. She said, “Are you guys ready for this”? She then goes on to tell us that there is only ONE Mexican restaurant in Spokane and it’s called Azteca. We were all like forget that and decided that maybe we would find something on the way.
What happened next totally pissed me off at first but ended up being hilarious!!! My Mom and my sister kept teasing me about the town called “Sprague”. They all wanted to stop and get some food in Sprague. They kept making jokes about how they wanted to visit their ex in-laws. Yes, my ex husbands last name is Sprague. Of course the town has no real relation to my ex husband but boy oh boy did my Mom and Sister find it entertaining.
We get to this town that looks like a ghost town. I didn’t even think anyone would be in the only bar in town. Sure enough we go it and there are 5 men, all with white hair, beards, and carharts on. They were drinking beer and looked at the three of us like we were on display. The waitress named Rose came over and gave us menus. She asked us if we got lost so then of course my mom and sister have to tell them the story about why we were there. Later, I must admit I found humor in all of this but at the time, I felt like god was punishing me for being an unwed mother, lol!
The food ended up being sooo good. I must admit, watching people drink doesn’t quit annoy me half as much as I thought it would. In fact, I got some joy out of watching my sister take 3 jaeger shots (one bought by the youngest guy out of the bunch so was still about 60). My mom and sister became more and more entertaining and my little giggly sister became sweet. Damn I sure did miss alcohol then;)
My sister was passed out in the back the entire way home. The rest of the trip back to my mom’s house was smooth sailing. We got to my Mom’s and I was so excited that my little brother was there. My little brother and I took over my mom’s bed and watched tv. Connor, my little bro wanted to stay home from school the next day and maybe that was bad but it made me feel good he wanted to spent time with me. I will ignore that fact that he probably just wanted another shot at getting me to buy him alcohol!! So I spent the day with my little brother and I had a great time.
As I got ready to go, I started to get a little sentimental. I got ready in my mom’s bathroom and I just looked around and started to cry. My mom made a mention the night I got to Seattle that she might not make it to my child’s 5th birthday. I just had this vision of me left with all her stuff and this emptiness came over me. I decided to do what I used to do when I was a little girl. I would leave notes for my mom all over the place. Sometimes I would hide them and she wouldn’t find them for weeks later. Just like an excited 7 year old, I got out a pad of paper and started writing notes and putting them all over. I put one on her bathroom mirror, one in her sox drawer, and on in her purse. I felt an overwhelming feeling to show my mom the pure love I have for her. Before I left we took some pictures and laughed at how bad my little brother’s pictures were of my mom and I.
My mom drove me to the airport and when we got there we took some more pictures. This might sound all normal to you but if you knew my Mom and me, you would know that I usually leave in a cab after getting into a huge fight or I get out of the car so mad, I end up telling my mom I never want to see her again. That all sounds so harsh to me now and after this last trip. I hope that crap is long in our past. I hugged my mom goodbye. I told her I loved her. She slipped money in my pocket even after I told her that wasn’t necessary. I told her I’d look for tickets for Thanksgiving and I headed to the ticket counter.
It wasn’t until I got past security that I started balling. I just couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave the gift shop and hide behind these pillars. I called my mom and told her how much of a good time I had. I told her how sad I was and she said that it was ok because I was pregnant. Just writing that now makes me tear up and cry.
I only have twenty more minutes until I land. My hope is that I land on both feet. I’m feeling a bit off balance having left my family on such good terms. Hopefully I will be back for Thanksgiving!!
BTW – I totally and finally have a noticeable baby belly! Hopefully I don’t just look bloated. Oh and for any future mother’s out there, read “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy!! IT IS SOOO FUNNY!
My trip started on a Saturday morning but I had an appointment that I had to be at on Monday. My appointment was in Spokane, about 5 hours away from Seattle. I decided to fly into Seattle because it was $400 cheaper and that way I’d be able to visit my friends and family. My sister actually had plans to go that way to visit her boyfriend so she offered to take me. Then we decided to make it a family thing and bring my mom along. On a side note – I found out last week that my Mom has lupus. I don’t know all the detail quite yet but somehow hearing that news changed the dynamics of my relationship with my mother. My mother and I have had a rollcoaster existence but despite all that, this news has been heartbreaking and made me realize just how much I treasure having my mom there.
So anyways I was able to see my bff for life. My friend Amanda picked me up at the airport and we went shopping. I was crabby but having my bff there for moral support as I searched for prego jeans was priceless. We picked up my little brother and had lunch. Of course my 15 year old too cool for anything (also my fav person in the whole world) was begging me to stop by the liquor store for me. I just couldn’t do it. Even though his big sis probably didn’t seem that cool, I’m sure he was relieved by the fact that I never once even thought about telling on him, lol! We dropped my little brother off at my mom’s and my best friend and I spend some quality time with my mom. She looked good and I just didn’t want to let her go…
Next stop was visiting my bff’s family and then I was going to try and squeeze in a visit with my wifey (aka, my other best friend not to be confused with the bff). I spent the night with my best friend and I tried my best to mentally prepare myself for a 10 hour/2day car ride with my mom and sister!!
The next day came and off we went. Of course everything started off great and happy and then it soon turned into the battle of what two were going to pick on and antagonize the lone ranger. My mom and I spent some time alone in this small town bar while we were waiting for my sister on day 1. It was this bar called Dizzy’s or something like it. Being in that place totally made me feel dizzy but making one game of pool last an hour with my mom made up for it all! My mom and I picked out songs to play to interrupt the not so hot lesbo girls trying to get action while freak dancing to some lame ass county song. Something about Stevie Nicks will always remind me of the fun time I had with my mom as a little girl. So my mom and I dance and used to the pool sticks as our microphones. We were in our own world and I will treasure that moment forever. Finally it’s time to go pick up my sister and off we go again to try and make it just 90 more miles. We didn’t end up making it all the way that night so we stayed in some town I didn’t even know was on the map and decided to just wake up a little earlier the next morning.
Day 2 arrives and it came early. I fell asleep the night before Desperate Housewives went to its first commercial break. My sister is the worst to wake up. Omg, watch out is all I can say. Of course we all got into a morning argument only this time I was the bad guy for having to wake everyone up so damn early. My poor Mom; Some vacation she was having. We finally arrived to my destination point. I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be late because my Mom and my Sister just had to stop at 8:45 am to order Burgers. The smell made me want to die but I didn’t care because I was too anxious to get my appointment over with.
Everything went as planned at my appointment. I felt relived and accomplished and thought that pedicure’s on me would be a nice treat. So off we went to get pampered. Finally everyone was in a good mood. We decided to head back as we had another 5 hours of joy left. We were all hungry so we thought we should stop somewhere and eat first but we couldn’t find anything that looked good. We all wanted Mexican food but to our amazement there was no Mexican anything to be found. My sister stopped at a gas station to ask for directions to a Mexican restaurant. She came back with a confused look on her face. She said, “Are you guys ready for this”? She then goes on to tell us that there is only ONE Mexican restaurant in Spokane and it’s called Azteca. We were all like forget that and decided that maybe we would find something on the way.
What happened next totally pissed me off at first but ended up being hilarious!!! My Mom and my sister kept teasing me about the town called “Sprague”. They all wanted to stop and get some food in Sprague. They kept making jokes about how they wanted to visit their ex in-laws. Yes, my ex husbands last name is Sprague. Of course the town has no real relation to my ex husband but boy oh boy did my Mom and Sister find it entertaining.
We get to this town that looks like a ghost town. I didn’t even think anyone would be in the only bar in town. Sure enough we go it and there are 5 men, all with white hair, beards, and carharts on. They were drinking beer and looked at the three of us like we were on display. The waitress named Rose came over and gave us menus. She asked us if we got lost so then of course my mom and sister have to tell them the story about why we were there. Later, I must admit I found humor in all of this but at the time, I felt like god was punishing me for being an unwed mother, lol!
The food ended up being sooo good. I must admit, watching people drink doesn’t quit annoy me half as much as I thought it would. In fact, I got some joy out of watching my sister take 3 jaeger shots (one bought by the youngest guy out of the bunch so was still about 60). My mom and sister became more and more entertaining and my little giggly sister became sweet. Damn I sure did miss alcohol then;)
My sister was passed out in the back the entire way home. The rest of the trip back to my mom’s house was smooth sailing. We got to my Mom’s and I was so excited that my little brother was there. My little brother and I took over my mom’s bed and watched tv. Connor, my little bro wanted to stay home from school the next day and maybe that was bad but it made me feel good he wanted to spent time with me. I will ignore that fact that he probably just wanted another shot at getting me to buy him alcohol!! So I spent the day with my little brother and I had a great time.
As I got ready to go, I started to get a little sentimental. I got ready in my mom’s bathroom and I just looked around and started to cry. My mom made a mention the night I got to Seattle that she might not make it to my child’s 5th birthday. I just had this vision of me left with all her stuff and this emptiness came over me. I decided to do what I used to do when I was a little girl. I would leave notes for my mom all over the place. Sometimes I would hide them and she wouldn’t find them for weeks later. Just like an excited 7 year old, I got out a pad of paper and started writing notes and putting them all over. I put one on her bathroom mirror, one in her sox drawer, and on in her purse. I felt an overwhelming feeling to show my mom the pure love I have for her. Before I left we took some pictures and laughed at how bad my little brother’s pictures were of my mom and I.
My mom drove me to the airport and when we got there we took some more pictures. This might sound all normal to you but if you knew my Mom and me, you would know that I usually leave in a cab after getting into a huge fight or I get out of the car so mad, I end up telling my mom I never want to see her again. That all sounds so harsh to me now and after this last trip. I hope that crap is long in our past. I hugged my mom goodbye. I told her I loved her. She slipped money in my pocket even after I told her that wasn’t necessary. I told her I’d look for tickets for Thanksgiving and I headed to the ticket counter.
It wasn’t until I got past security that I started balling. I just couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave the gift shop and hide behind these pillars. I called my mom and told her how much of a good time I had. I told her how sad I was and she said that it was ok because I was pregnant. Just writing that now makes me tear up and cry.
I only have twenty more minutes until I land. My hope is that I land on both feet. I’m feeling a bit off balance having left my family on such good terms. Hopefully I will be back for Thanksgiving!!
BTW – I totally and finally have a noticeable baby belly! Hopefully I don’t just look bloated. Oh and for any future mother’s out there, read “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy!! IT IS SOOO FUNNY!
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