She Will Be Loved

Print: Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved Lyrics

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn’t matter anymore

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Maybe 2 is the lonliest number...

Tonight I’m feeling a bit depressed. I now remember why I haven’t gone out since I got pregnant. Now that I’m starting to show my whole world seems to be changing. Every time I think I have fully adapted, I receive a slap in the face that makes me feel like I’m starting over from scratch.

I went to a friend’s birthday party. It was at this overpriced restaurant and I was barely able to eat my meal but I didn’t go there for that, I went there for my friend. Everyone wants to talk about my pregnancy and ask me all these questions that I have no clue as to the answer.

As we were leaving, I contemplated going dancing at the club but then I thought what’s the point, my feet hurt, I felt fat, and I was having a mid pregnancy crisis. I had realized that after all this my life will permanently be changed. My life is going to be changed forever and this included sacrifice.

I’m feeling scared an alone. What have I done? Can I really handle this? Will I be a good mother? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way so far into things? I'm most scared that I will never find someone. That I’ll end up that sad and lonely cat lady who waits by the phone for updates from their child because I have absolutely no life of my own.

Tonight was the most depressing thing I’ve done – ever!

Hello Porn Star!!

So pre-pregnancy one of my favorite assests were my ta ta's. I loved my ripe 34 D ta ta's!

I recently discovered that I am now a 36 E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The scariest part was that the sales associate told me that at about 8 months through nursing they will go up even one more size to freaking 36 F's!!!

All I know is that if these babies (pun totally intended) don't look like they used to, then I will be forced to invest in mommy's chest prior to my baby's college fund:)

Reunited and it Feels So Good!

I am on my flight back home to Minneapolis and I find myself holding back the tears. My trip started out a little rocky but it turned out to be one of the best visits I’ve had in years.

My trip started on a Saturday morning but I had an appointment that I had to be at on Monday. My appointment was in Spokane, about 5 hours away from Seattle. I decided to fly into Seattle because it was $400 cheaper and that way I’d be able to visit my friends and family. My sister actually had plans to go that way to visit her boyfriend so she offered to take me. Then we decided to make it a family thing and bring my mom along. On a side note – I found out last week that my Mom has lupus. I don’t know all the detail quite yet but somehow hearing that news changed the dynamics of my relationship with my mother. My mother and I have had a rollcoaster existence but despite all that, this news has been heartbreaking and made me realize just how much I treasure having my mom there.

So anyways I was able to see my bff for life. My friend Amanda picked me up at the airport and we went shopping. I was crabby but having my bff there for moral support as I searched for prego jeans was priceless. We picked up my little brother and had lunch. Of course my 15 year old too cool for anything (also my fav person in the whole world) was begging me to stop by the liquor store for me. I just couldn’t do it. Even though his big sis probably didn’t seem that cool, I’m sure he was relieved by the fact that I never once even thought about telling on him, lol! We dropped my little brother off at my mom’s and my best friend and I spend some quality time with my mom. She looked good and I just didn’t want to let her go…

Next stop was visiting my bff’s family and then I was going to try and squeeze in a visit with my wifey (aka, my other best friend not to be confused with the bff). I spent the night with my best friend and I tried my best to mentally prepare myself for a 10 hour/2day car ride with my mom and sister!!

The next day came and off we went. Of course everything started off great and happy and then it soon turned into the battle of what two were going to pick on and antagonize the lone ranger. My mom and I spent some time alone in this small town bar while we were waiting for my sister on day 1. It was this bar called Dizzy’s or something like it. Being in that place totally made me feel dizzy but making one game of pool last an hour with my mom made up for it all! My mom and I picked out songs to play to interrupt the not so hot lesbo girls trying to get action while freak dancing to some lame ass county song. Something about Stevie Nicks will always remind me of the fun time I had with my mom as a little girl. So my mom and I dance and used to the pool sticks as our microphones. We were in our own world and I will treasure that moment forever. Finally it’s time to go pick up my sister and off we go again to try and make it just 90 more miles. We didn’t end up making it all the way that night so we stayed in some town I didn’t even know was on the map and decided to just wake up a little earlier the next morning.

Day 2 arrives and it came early. I fell asleep the night before Desperate Housewives went to its first commercial break. My sister is the worst to wake up. Omg, watch out is all I can say. Of course we all got into a morning argument only this time I was the bad guy for having to wake everyone up so damn early. My poor Mom; Some vacation she was having. We finally arrived to my destination point. I was freaking out because I thought I was going to be late because my Mom and my Sister just had to stop at 8:45 am to order Burgers. The smell made me want to die but I didn’t care because I was too anxious to get my appointment over with.

Everything went as planned at my appointment. I felt relived and accomplished and thought that pedicure’s on me would be a nice treat. So off we went to get pampered. Finally everyone was in a good mood. We decided to head back as we had another 5 hours of joy left. We were all hungry so we thought we should stop somewhere and eat first but we couldn’t find anything that looked good. We all wanted Mexican food but to our amazement there was no Mexican anything to be found. My sister stopped at a gas station to ask for directions to a Mexican restaurant. She came back with a confused look on her face. She said, “Are you guys ready for this”? She then goes on to tell us that there is only ONE Mexican restaurant in Spokane and it’s called Azteca. We were all like forget that and decided that maybe we would find something on the way.

What happened next totally pissed me off at first but ended up being hilarious!!! My Mom and my sister kept teasing me about the town called “Sprague”. They all wanted to stop and get some food in Sprague. They kept making jokes about how they wanted to visit their ex in-laws. Yes, my ex husbands last name is Sprague. Of course the town has no real relation to my ex husband but boy oh boy did my Mom and Sister find it entertaining.

We get to this town that looks like a ghost town. I didn’t even think anyone would be in the only bar in town. Sure enough we go it and there are 5 men, all with white hair, beards, and carharts on. They were drinking beer and looked at the three of us like we were on display. The waitress named Rose came over and gave us menus. She asked us if we got lost so then of course my mom and sister have to tell them the story about why we were there. Later, I must admit I found humor in all of this but at the time, I felt like god was punishing me for being an unwed mother, lol!

The food ended up being sooo good. I must admit, watching people drink doesn’t quit annoy me half as much as I thought it would. In fact, I got some joy out of watching my sister take 3 jaeger shots (one bought by the youngest guy out of the bunch so was still about 60). My mom and sister became more and more entertaining and my little giggly sister became sweet. Damn I sure did miss alcohol then;)

My sister was passed out in the back the entire way home. The rest of the trip back to my mom’s house was smooth sailing. We got to my Mom’s and I was so excited that my little brother was there. My little brother and I took over my mom’s bed and watched tv. Connor, my little bro wanted to stay home from school the next day and maybe that was bad but it made me feel good he wanted to spent time with me. I will ignore that fact that he probably just wanted another shot at getting me to buy him alcohol!! So I spent the day with my little brother and I had a great time.

As I got ready to go, I started to get a little sentimental. I got ready in my mom’s bathroom and I just looked around and started to cry. My mom made a mention the night I got to Seattle that she might not make it to my child’s 5th birthday. I just had this vision of me left with all her stuff and this emptiness came over me. I decided to do what I used to do when I was a little girl. I would leave notes for my mom all over the place. Sometimes I would hide them and she wouldn’t find them for weeks later. Just like an excited 7 year old, I got out a pad of paper and started writing notes and putting them all over. I put one on her bathroom mirror, one in her sox drawer, and on in her purse. I felt an overwhelming feeling to show my mom the pure love I have for her. Before I left we took some pictures and laughed at how bad my little brother’s pictures were of my mom and I.

My mom drove me to the airport and when we got there we took some more pictures. This might sound all normal to you but if you knew my Mom and me, you would know that I usually leave in a cab after getting into a huge fight or I get out of the car so mad, I end up telling my mom I never want to see her again. That all sounds so harsh to me now and after this last trip. I hope that crap is long in our past. I hugged my mom goodbye. I told her I loved her. She slipped money in my pocket even after I told her that wasn’t necessary. I told her I’d look for tickets for Thanksgiving and I headed to the ticket counter.

It wasn’t until I got past security that I started balling. I just couldn’t stop crying. I had to leave the gift shop and hide behind these pillars. I called my mom and told her how much of a good time I had. I told her how sad I was and she said that it was ok because I was pregnant. Just writing that now makes me tear up and cry.

I only have twenty more minutes until I land. My hope is that I land on both feet. I’m feeling a bit off balance having left my family on such good terms. Hopefully I will be back for Thanksgiving!!

BTW – I totally and finally have a noticeable baby belly! Hopefully I don’t just look bloated. Oh and for any future mother’s out there, read “Belly Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy!! IT IS SOOO FUNNY!

Never say this to a pregnant woman...

Do not EVER tell a pregnant woman that her "pregnancy excuse" is getting old. What exactly is getting old to you? Let's see, is it the all day headaches caused by hormones that won't go away? Is it the food aversions that your experiencing? Maybe you are the who is starving beyond belief and then you suddenly can't eat after taking one bite. Are you having to wake up every hour to go to the bathroom, therefore not getting enough sleep. Are your pants getting too tight? Oh I know maybe you randomly get sick in front of all your co-workers.



So please excuse me if I get annoyed while out to dinner when the waitress has not bothered to refill my sprite. Sprite seems to be the only thing getting me through the last few weeks. Excuse me for deciding that my food looks disgusting and all I want is ice cream.



How happy would you feel if you had to give up all your vices just for one day even. Yeah I'd like you to give up smoking, drinking, caffeine and then have to experience all of the symptoms as above???I bet then you wouldn't dare say your pregnancy excuse is getting old.



All I can say is it's not an excuse. It's a freaking reality that I'm dealing with for the next 5 1/2 months.

It's All Unfinished Business!

Have you even procrastinated doing something because it was literally painful or it was just plain and simple was not a priority, even when it really should have been?

Well I have put something off for almost 3 years and as I approach finally taking care of it and putting it behind me, I feel a huge relief. This has been an eye opening and in my face example of how some people were just never worth it but luckily bruising to the heart heals with time.

I am so relieved that I will be putting this behind me. I am really proud of myself for getting the courage to face this head on. I am thankful that it has worked out as well as it has.

Everything is falling in place. Maybe this child growing inside of me is who I need to thank. I believe I am setting up my life now so that this child will know my thanks!

I booked a ticked to Seattle. I have long put off taking care of something that at one point felt too scary to face. My best friend will be there and now more than ever I am able to love and appreciate my family for what they have to offer.

Life really can be amazing when we take the time to see all that there is to offer. I will no longer feel bad or guilty for my success. Instead I feel like embracing all the challenges that I may face and so what if I encounter a few scars along the way. Isn't life really all about character anyways?

Bill Clinton

I was really looking forward to going and meeting Bill tonight. I was going to ask him to sign my book saying, "To the next Monica..."

It really is not fun being sick and then on top of it not being able to take anything for it. I'm starving and haven't been able to eat in two days - eghhhh!

So if anyone is going to see Bill tonight, please let me know how it went! Know that I was so their in spirit!

Side note...

I think I cursed my blog by writing about smelly stuff. Now every time I see an ad, it either says something about stinky vag smells (totally grossing me out) or about unplanned pregnancy (totally annoyes me).

WTF, my blog is not stinky, nor is it unplanned:)

10 Random Things About Me

1. I went to a boarding school in High School in Jamaica and no I never smoked the ganja! Even with two years of self study, I still scored 1350 on my SATS:)

2. I am friends with all my ex's except for my ex husband.

3. Being on a beach is one of my favorite things in the world but then again so is the rain!

4. No matter what I say about not celebrating my b-day, I always celebrate and am a total diva on that day;)

5. I was born in California and now live in Minnesota. In between I have lived in Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Montana, Idaho, Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Jamaica, and Germany.

6. My dream job would be a sports reporter during football season.

7. I am going to the Superbowl this year if the Bears make it. I don't care that I'll be 7 months pregnant.

8. I talk to Rosie (One of my bff's from junior high days) just about everyday, if not two-three times a day.

9. I feel a connection with the homeless. I would love to take a sabbatical and travel the world interviewing the homeless, giving them names and then writing a book so that they can see their mark in this world.

10. I plan on going to law school in my 40's!

Minny and my mini!

I never thought I would feel this way but I do. I absolutely love this city! As I got out of my doctor appointment today (which I’ll tell you about later), I started to think about how much I love Minneapolis. I know it’s been rainy and overcast but that just reminds me of “home”.

Seattle will always be “home” but I have found a new love. It surprises me because when I first moved here, all I could talk about was missing “home”. I even decided to leave last May to take and adventure and move to Arizona and that lasted a whole two months until I decided to move back to where my heart was – Minneapolis.

So as I started the walk to my car I started to reflect on my doctor appointment. I thought that I was glad the father came. Everyone kept calling him my husband and it made me laugh inside. I met my doctor and I really like her. We heard the heartbeat and that was a relief because of all the horror stories I’ve heard about women going in and not hearing the heartbeat. Oh before all that, they took my weight, blood pressure, and a urine sample.

My doc recommended that I get a flu shot. I was hesitant at first because I’ve never gotten a flu shot before. I guess I was persuaded by this little person swimming around inside of me;)

Then after all that it was time for the ultrasound. I couldn’t believe what I saw! I just couldn’t believe how much this little thing looked like a real baby. It looked so different that the last time I saw the baby. The last time it just looked like a little peanut and didn’t resemble a baby! I got to see the baby’s profile and it was moving around all over the place. The first thing I thought was “yeah this is my baby if it’s moving around like crazy”. I was relieved as the tech told me that everything looked normal. The baby didn’t show any sign of abnormalities and had two arms and two legs. It was all so surreal!

All in all I was happy about three things: The baby has a heartbeat and looked healthy! I was happy that the father came with me for the experience. Lastly I was thrilled I didn’t gain any weight. I must admit that I was surprised because I totally have a baby bump. They say that it is normal in the first trimester and the most important part is that the baby is at a healthy weight. Yeah I feel sexy now.

When I got home I was on a little bit of a high. I had all this energy and thought that maybe I should try to eat something since it was 11:30am and I hadn’t eaten anything but mints from the doctor's office! I live really close to what is called Eat Street and I thought I’d brave the rain and walk to get some food.

I got so nostalgic as I walked down our little taste of culture. In one street, I had my choice of authentic Mexican, Vietnamese, Thai, Chinese, Indian, Greek, and McDonald’s. There were all sorts of people on this street from the business people grabbing lunch to the homeless. As I walked buy there was this cute younger guy that stopped me and asked to use my cell phone. He was clean and nice looking and I thought what the heck, ok. He was so grateful and kept offering to pay me. I was like, “I love this City” and of course would not accept his money.

My walk may have been cultural and reflective but my two cheeseburgers from McDonald’s sure were not…

Can you smell the Roses?

Ok so we've all been there before and wondered, "Dude what's that smell". It's even worse when you actually know who stinks and are still stuck next to them. This happened to me yesterday when I was on the bus coming from downtown on my way home. I sat down and all of the sudden I smelled this stench. I started wondering how exactly could someone smell so bad.

With this lady it was very apparent. I'm not talking the typical they smell bad because of stale cigarettes or even alcohol excreting from their pores. This was the rotten musk smell caused by sweat mixed with clothes that haven't been cleaned in months. I can understand if you have a mental illness or are homeless but what sane person can not smell their own funk??

So on another note, I started thinking about another common funk that I do not get. What I'm about to say may offend some and well if it does than please take my advise and see a doctor! This is the smell that we have all heard about since junior high. It is the smell that causes many men to fear giving oral pleasure.

I'm talking about that fishy smell that people talk about. I for one have never understood how a women can smell bad down there and not freaking know about it! First of all IT IS NOT NORMAL TO SMELL BAD DOWN THERE. I know this is gross but a yeast infection does not smell like fish or rotten in any way. If you have a funky smell down there, please go to the doctor and stop letting men go down to experience the nastiness. You are ruining it for the rest of who actually take care of ourselves down there!

This commentary has been brought to by Fabulous Ren. This has been my weekly humanitarian effort!

Tator Tots for Breakfast

I was feeling a bit down the last few days. I have to keep reminding myself that it is all my changing hormones. I'm not usually one to take things personal but lately I've found my self really self conscious about things I never used to even pay attention to. I came home from work and cried. I had no idea what I was even crying about. I just laughed after because all I know is that it made me feel better.

So this morning I got up early because I did go to sleep at 10pm on a Friday night. I've decided to be a little over ambitious and I took a part time gig at Crate and Barrel. I'm buying a house so really I just wanted the discount for that and for the holidays. I'm working for a few hours today but the real highlight will be going to my fav Mexican restaurant in Minny.

If you haven't been to La Mariachi's off Nicollete and 28th, then you are seriously missing out. That is as long as you don't consider Little T's or Chipolte real Mexican!!

Can you see the pattern? Besides being all over the place with my emotions, my life revolves around food. I better go. My tator tots for breakfast are ready:)

Have a great weekend everyone. My blogger friends are a serious highlight in my life!

Question of the Day!

If there really are all those "tops" out there, just how does my roommate get laid so much??? I have yet to meet a gay men tell me that he is a bottom. Trust me, I know they exist...

So please tell me, what's up with that!

Bye bye Sexy, Hello Griese!

Ok Rexy you can still sit on the sidelines and look sexy. I would never take that away from you. Don't worry, you're still young and could get it together and become even greater. I think a lot of the world gives you credit for making it this far and taking us to the SB last year but I WANT MY TEAM TO GO TO SUPERBOWL AGAIN!

I have tickets to the Superbowl in Arizona if the Bears makes it and I don't care if I'm 7 months prego I will show up with my #14 replacement jersey. I should invested last year in an Urlacher jersey because he never lets us down. I just had the faith that Lovie did.

Welcome to number 1 Griese. Make Da Bears and their fans proud!!!!

He saw the light!!!

No, not him. The man I am talking about has perhaps been my biggest fan my whole life. He is the man that deep down when all else fails, I know he will always love me. This is the man who I have adored from a small age. He is a man who has inspired me and made me want to be a better person. Perhaps, he is the only person in the world who I have ever really felt fear of disappointing.

My Dad came through for me today. It was amazing. He sat across the table from me at lunch and as I looked into his eyes, I saw my biggest advocate. I saw a humble man who I respect. I heard a man tell me that my mom picked the guy who didn't amount to much. That broke my heart as I heard my father say that! I realized then why I love my Dad so much.

I have questioned god many times but never do I question why he gave me the father he did. It feels good to have him stand besides me during this time.

Today there was light and it shown brightly!

Omg funny!

I just noticed the advertisement on my page says, "Unplanned Pregnancy. Confidential adoption services, call here..."

I about died of laughter!!

Recap 101

I feel like it's been a while! I have to say I'm sorry for not being as active of a blog reader as I like to. I'm sure you can imagine my life has been a little bit hectic. I find myself coming home from work, taking a nap, waking up very grumpy and hungry, eating, and then needing to go back to bed. Besides not being able to catch up and read all of your fabulous blogs, I haven't even really hung out with my friends. I have found myself going into hibernation. I'm not sure if it's to protect myself or if I've just really craved my alone time?

Lonely is not something I feel right now. I guess I more feel like a survivor. I've had to fight many battles and I can say at this point, I have decided to forfeit and just walk away. That hasn't really been the easiest thing to do.

My family is not being that supportive. I had a horrible breakfast with my father. I am a hardcore liberal but I'm really struggling with the liberal men who seem to view abortion so simplistically. Since when did the definition of Pro-Choice mean that all people who believe in the choice should be able to easily have one? My mother and I have not really ever been close and she's in Seattle living her BMW SUV life with her botox and boob job parties. She hasn't called me once but I did get a nice e-mail from her after sending out my first prenatal update via mass e-mail. My little sister DID call yesterday. It honestly was a pleasant surprise and I'm glad we talked. She was very sweet.

I guess I have really leaned on all of my friends who feel like the family I would have chosen if I could. Most of my friends have been really great and supportive. So far only one of my friends doesn't agree with my choice. I guess that it her right but needless to say, we haven't talked since she told me that.

Yesterday I went to Planned Parenthood with the father. He wanted me to go so that we could have said all our options were explored. I didn't really want to go but I thought maybe I should go through that process with him. It was really hard to go there. After getting let into what felt like a jail with all it's locks and security measures, I felt like I couldn't breath. I totally panicked and felt like the walls were caving in on me! I tried to fill out the paperwork but then I looked glossy eyed into the waiting room and I demanded for my id and ran out.

It took a while for me to leave because they had to release the lock. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough!! I needed air. I looked at him standing behind me and I said, "I can't and will never be able to do that. You can go back but I'm not...I can't". I was really shocked by the look on his own face. He looked a little pale. Then he said, "I didn't want to tell you when we were inside but I felt weird too". It was comforting.

We sat outside the car on a beautiful day in Highland Park and we just talked. Some of the talking was about the baby and some was just about life. He was really kind and gentle with me and I started to feel like I had somehow underestimated him. I know clearly where he stands. He would choice to abort but I think he is finally starting to accept the reality of the situation.

My hope is that he will be an active part of this child's life. My fear is that he may be resentful and that scares me. I look at my own Dad and I can't help but to see that resentment. This whole process had made me think about my own life. I am a supporter of abortion. I believe it should be an option but part of me couldn't help but to feel like if my own father had the choice, I would not be here.

It's taken me 26 years to say that despite all the struggles and hardships I've had with my family, I'm glad they are mine. I'm glad life was chosen for me...

Am I being too harsh??

Ok so yes I'm looking to you to tell me if my hormones or being out of wack or if I have a valid point.

We all know I went to my initial appointment alone and don't get me wrong it was by choice. I could have scheduled it differently to have baby daddy come with me or I could have easily asked a friend to go. No, I really did want to go alone. There were still so many answers that I myself needed to conclude.

My second appointment is what I'm asking you all about. I know I haven't really talked about the father a lot or even voiced his opinions. Those are two things that I will try to keep private as much as possible. I obviously don't have a problem sharing my most personal issues but I know not everyone is like that and so I want to respect privacy.

Anyways...my big dilemma is whether or not to allow "him" to be present at the second appointment and first ultrasound where we actually hear the heartbeat.

My biggest issue is that he has expressed going because he feels he "should" and not that he necessarily "wants" to. Am I being too sensitive by getting upset that he doesn't want to! Should I let him be apart of it in hopes that obligation will lead to a want? I guess deep down in side I'm just not sure I could handle rejection at this point. What if it freaks him out? What if he gets scared and just decides to bail.

Either way, what do you think? Am I being too harsh by not allowing him to go until I know he "wants" to???

My Little Peanut!

Today I had my first prenatal appointment! Today was the day I had been anticipating for two weeks now and today was the first day I was able to relax and get excited.




I was really nervous last night about this appointment for some reason. I just had a million thoughts running through my head. I had a great dinner with an old co-worker and good friend. She is seriously the best cook I've ever known and when we worked together, she would give me the best recipes and ideas for what to cook. I was so happy when I found out that she made her famous mashed potatoes. I seriously at them all! I hung out with her and got all caught up on Big Love. The Emmy's were on and thank god for Tivo because they were so boring this year!




So this morning I get up, got ready, and left the house with butterflies in my stomach. I didn't really feel the need to have anyone go with me for this appointment. I mean I did and was going to but then the plans changed and I realized that maybe it was best to go to this one alone. I got there, filled out paperwork and waited for my name to be called. "Renita", the lady called. "Ren-ata", I always correct back! The first dreaded thing they have me to is take my weight. I hate being weighed at the doctors office. I mean I never weigh myself at home and usually if I can pass it at the doctors office, I do! I mean I'd so much rather go by my size and how my clothes look than my stupid weight. Anyways it wasn't really that bad and I'm sure that's probably because I've had a hard time eating lately. The next thing they do is take another urine sample. I think that made for my 50th prego test now!!



The nurse that did all the testing brought me into my room to wait for the nurse practitioner. The first thing I noticed as I sat down was this big packet full of information for pregnant woman. There were a few books but I just looked at them. I didn't dare pick anything up. I guess maybe the part of me that was in shock was still present because I still thought the nurse could come in and tell me I wasn't pregnant. Needless to say, that didn't happen!

As the woman walked in, I immediately liked her. She just looked like the kind of woman I would like. I'd say late 30's, well put together but not so perfect that I'd hate her later on when I start to feel "fat". She introduced herself and then went over everything with me. I was assigned a doctor and got to chose my hospital. I knew my friend Jehne would be happy to know that I picked Fairview Southdale over Abbott Northwestern.

After she went over everything that she needed to with me, she did an exam. I think I will forever hate those exams for the rest of my life! I was happy when she said that everything looked good. She ruled out a ectopic pregnancy so that was like one battle down. Because of the fact that my cycle has always been so irregular she wanted to do an ultrasound just to verify exactly how far along I was. I drew blood and thought I was done.



As I went to schedule my ultrasound, the ultrasound tech was right there and said that she had some time to do it now. I got a little nervous but welcomed the opportunity to not have to come back again that week. The tech was really sweet. I like her too.



I guess I'm still on a cloud from seeing the ultrasound today. I was able to see something inside my body. It just looked like a dot but it instantly made everything so real! She took pictures and printed them out. I just couldn't believe that there was a baby forming inside me! We found out that there is only one sac so no twins!!



I felt excited today. Almost like an instant connection to something living inside me. Today this journey I have ahead didn't feel so overwhelming. I even heard from my Mom today and that made me feel good as well. My Dad is still upset but I'm sure in time, he will come around.

The Ocean's Morning Sickness

The waves crash into the shore.
Descruction, destruction, destruction
There is still life left on the beach
On the cold and empy shore
Crash, crash, crash
Some say it's beautiful
Auto pilot, again and again with every crash
Do we celebrate the life left and created or mourn the loss of what is no longer
Some still say it's beautiful
The sun begins to set.
Darkness rejoices

Stand Up

Sometimes you just have to stand up. You have to stand up and fight for what you believe in even if all odds are against you.

Sometimes you may have to accept that you will be on your own. You have to know when being on your own far out ways having approval from those you think you want around.

Sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in. You may be fighting the whole world but it is what you feel compelled to do. It is your “truth” and while that honestly may be hard for others to swallow, it is what you know with all your heart and soul to be right.

Sometimes you have to cry. You have not accepted defeat by showing vulnerability. You are showing the world that you are real and that it is ok to feel.

Sometimes you will be scared. You will be comforted, just watch and in time you will feel safe again.

Sometimes could be today. It could be tomorrow. Sometimes means so many things. Today, this sometimes will stand up. Sometimes peace will come and then anxiety will come back.

Sometimes is faith, it’s the unknown.

At Peace

I feel a calm today that I haven't felt in a long time. At peace with my decision I can allow myself to feel the excitement.

It feels selfish of me to talk about how I'm doing when it seems so trivial compared to the tribute of 9/11. I'm sure every person, especially American, will never forget what they were doing when they found out about the terrorist attacks that tragic Tuesday.

Today my heart will be with the all the heros of that tragic day in September. I will reflect how lucky I really am. I am thinking of all the ones who lost a loved one. After seeing the movie, The World Trade Center I can't help but to think of how it must have been for the women who were pregnant and lost their significant others. How sad for the child who will never know it's father. It really make me think how blessed we are, should we choose to accept that.

I have some more news but today it doesn't feel right to blog about it. Please tell someone who you love how important they are. Reach out and make an overdue phone call. You never know the impact it may have!

Oh the joys...

My New Habits:

• I sanitize everything! I recently purchased a 6 pack of purell antibacterial hand sanitizer and I bring at least one with me everywhere I go. I have to wipe down my computer with those disinfectant wipes or I can’t touch the keyboard. Today when I washed my towels and kitchen rags, I even used the sanitize feature with the brand new washing machines we got. Oh and did I mention I can no longer shake hands with people I don’t know. Thank god most of the interviews I conduct are via phone or I’d be in big trouble!

• I have to take a shower every night before I can go to bed. It does not matter if I took a shower that morning or afternoon. I can’t sleep if I don’t have a night shower. This is just so weird for me b/c usually I’m good with just taking one in the morning when I wake up unless I went to the gym.

• Every chance I get to nap I take it. I just can’t seem to get enough sleep.

• I drink juice. Yes I actually feel the need for juice and really I’ve always hated drinking juice. In the past I’ve always just preferred eating the real thing.

• Bacon is my friend and seriously it use to be my worst enemy.

• I cry during movies, cry at commercials, cry at the news, cry at Tully’s when they forgot to put the lid all the way on my smoothie causing me to spill it everywhere. This new crying thing also includes random fits of anger and the lack of restrain to show it.

• Staying home on a Saturday night; I just can’t believe how much of a homebody I’m becoming.

• Gagging. Lately everything seems to make me gag. If I hear something gross or someone tells me about something nasty I start gagging. I can’t even read something that is described in a blog if it makes me visualize something yucky!

• Did I mention washing my hands after everything I do??

That is just a few of my latest quirks. Yeah so far this is really so much fun. I’d like to hear from those woman who say they enjoy all of this?? Seriously these changes to my body are actually quite odd. I’m still obviously having a hard time getting use to all this so for now, I’ll just share it all with you. I thought you might like a glimpse into my world!

What do you think?

I'm debating whether or not to start a different blog that follows my journey through my "surprise" pregnancy or whether I should just write about everything on this one??

So what do you think? Would you prefer that I seperate the prego "crap" or do you find it entertaining when it's all combined??

Let me know!

September 5th, 2007

Preface - I wrote this the night I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't quite ready to share it then and who knows if I am even now...

Wow so much has happened in one evening. I never realized how one evening could change mine and someone else life in such a powerful and permanent way.

I was in a lot of pain most of the day. On Saturday during my walk in 3 inch heals to the bar, I fell on my tailbone and sprained my ankle. My ankle has been getting progressively better with ice but my back has become progressively worse. I started having back spasms and when even icing it didn't help, I thought maybe I should go have it looked at. The fact that I needed something and it was after urgent care hours prompted me to start crying and then decide to go to the ER.

I hate going to the hospital alone. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. Maybe it's the fact that death, sadness, and pain are the only associations I have with hospitals. Maybe it's because I've never had a "good" experience at the hospital and the ER just seems so much more intensified. Being the baby that I was I called my friend Jehne crying and she immediately agreed to meet me at the hospital.

So I arrive at Abbott Northwestern only to find the waiting area jam packed. I waited for 2 hours just to be seen by an admitting nurse. She takes my vitals and half listens to what is wrong and then tells me it's going to be another 4 hours. At this point, I'm in tears. "What, four hours. I need pills and I need pain pills FAST!", but the nurse says there is nothing she can do until the doctor sees me, IN FOUR MORE HOURS. Jehne is grossed out by all the people and how dirty she feels from the hospital so she convinces me to go to Southdale in Edina. Fine with me, I think because it is cleaner and I knew the wait wouldn't be as long. I never in my life thought Southdale would end up having such significance.

Basically they do the same thing as Abbott did only I was in a much nicer hospital with nicer looking patients and the nurses were friendly and attentive. I guess it must have been pains from the four day holiday weekend because even Southdale was busy. The nurse told me the wait could be at least an hour. It wasn't an hour wait, it ended up being a 2 hour wait and by that time I knew Jehne had to leave as she had school early the next morning. I told Jehne to go home and I could just take a taxi home.

The doctor was so young looking. She had long dark hair, was trim, and had piercing blue eyes. I was enamored by her and she listened to me tell her what was wrong with me and how I felt. So her suggestion was to give me a muscle relaxer and something else for my possible stitches. She also said she wanted to do x-rays to make sure nothing was broken in my back. Because I was getting x-rays, she asked me when my last period was. I said, "July 4th" very casually. She just looked at me and said, "Is there a chance you could be pregnant".

I thought, no...no not really. I mean there was that one time but it can't happen from just one time, right. The doctor then told me that they were going to do a pregnancy test just in case before they do the x-rays. I really didn't think anything of it. I went and peed in a cup and then waited impatiently for the nurse to bring me my much needed muscle relaxers. I called my Dad and told him what was going on. I told him that I was tired and needed something for my back really bad. It was after midnight so I told my Dad I'd call him in the morning and not to worry. It felt like hours went by. I saw the nurse talking to my doctor but I thought she was probably just giving the nurse my prescription. The Doctor came back in my room and told me that they weren't going to be doing x-rays or giving me any pain meds because I was pregnant.

"What!! Are you sure. Was it my urine? Can you take another test?", I proceeded to ask. She said they were 99.9% accurate and that I could take a home pregnancy test when I got home if I wanted to. I started breathing really fast and heavy and then the only words in my vocabulary were "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit".

The doctor told me it wasn't the end of the world and you know what I agreed. I thought, these aren't the perfect circumstances but it's not like I'm not 26 years old and it's not like I can't take care of myself. He (baby daddy) was the last person on my mind. I mean telling him was a priority but it was also the biggest source of my anxiety! Thinking about telling him I began to feel myself hyperventilate.

I got up, got dressed and had to go pee. The doctor wanted me to wait for my discharge papers with instruction as she was writing one prescription for me. When I got back to my room, the first thing I did was call Jehne and tell her so she knew what was up and wouldn't worry. Then I tried calling my Cousin, Rosie, Amanda, and the list began. I knew instantly who I would and who I would not tell...

The Worst Combo!!

Tired, all the way annoyed, and pregnant. I think now that this is just about the worst combo someone can have. You do NOT kick a fucking pregnant woman out of her bed. Seriously how rude!!!

This once fabulous living situation of mine has instantly and overnight become one of my biggest irritants. So what that my roomie is oh so single and gay. So what that he goes to happy hour ever single night, so what that he comes home drunk just about every night and wreaking of liquor, so what that he smokes like a chimney and comes home soaked in cigarette smells, so what that he has a smokers cough in the morning and sounds like death, so what that sometimes I wake up to go to the bathroom and see naked men in his room, but you NEVER ever should have the nerve to fall asleep next to me and then lay the wrong way making it so that I can't even lay down and sleep IN MY OWN BED.

This may sound petty to some but because of the fact that I couldn't sleep in my own bed, I was forced to sleep on the couch because I couldn't get him to wake up and with my hurt back, I certainly wasn't going to attempt to move him. So now I'm sitting her on the couch listening to him hack up a lung and I want to fucking kill him. Now I'm tired, really crabby, my back hurts even worse and I got a whole 3 hours of sleep!!

He is out of my bed now because he has one of his coughing fits but now being that I've recently become totally germaphobic, I have to wash and change my sheets before I'm laying back down in my bed.

Shame on my roommate for more than one reason. Finding a new place where I'm living all one my own again has always been something that I saw in the near future, like in 6 months but I have now expedited that up my list as one of my first priorities. God, I can't believe how freaking annoyed I still am. FUCKING HORMONES! I'm sure he'll be sorry he crossed a sleep deprived pregnant person who has now worked up an appetite!!

Now What??

I got the shock of my life just two days ago and now I'm pondering, how to deal. This one really caught me off guard and I have so many things to do. It makes me think how drastically life can change in literally a second. Things for me may never be the same but the question how to deal will always remain...

We Can Do It

"How wrong it is for woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than set out to create it herself.." Anis Nin

This quote really struck a cord with me as I read it. I found myself reading it over and over again each time with more of a sense of empowerment. Growing up it seems that little girls including myself hear that we need to find a doctor or lawyer to marry so they can take care of us. It is almost like we are taught even in the current year of 2007 that we need to find a man to take care of us. As if we find someone with money all our dreams will be fulfilled. No one ever told me "Renata, became a doctor or a lawyer and make all the money in the world so that you can find a man and take care of him...". I wonder sometimes if it is just the fact that as a female it is natural for people to assume we need to be taken care of. It seems almost outrageous for a father to tell his son to go find the richest women so he can make babies and then stay home and be the homemaker. I guess maybe in this day and age it is more acceptable to have the father stay home but you should get my gist. The point is I feel I've placed to much importance of finding the right guy vs. finding what is right for me.

I've placed a lot of emphasis on finding myself over the last year and a half. I happened to find one person in that time that I've had strong feelings for but the nice thing about that is that I didn't have all those things telling me that I need to find someone because of x y and z. I felt secure alone for the first time in well...ever!

My question at the end of this is:

What restrictions have you felt placed upon you when it came to following your dreams vs. following what family/outside influence imposed on you?

Intention vs. Reality, Again

A while back I posted this blog and now I'm going back to it and yet again I seek out answers. It's seem lately I have distanced myself from so many of the people that I "should" keep at arms length. My world is changing. Life is changing and I'm not sure that I've caught up to all this change. I feel as if I've been left behind only to watch my life unfold in front of me. It's a sad thing when you finally realize what is going on; when it seems to late to repair.

My intention is to get things together soon. I just hope that my reality agrees. I know I have a million things to be thankful for. A million reason to feel blessed and I'm not complaining but I would be lying if I said I didn't wish things could have been easier from the get go. I'm tired of fighting for my dreams, I'm tired of fighting for love, for wealth but really what are my options?Will that fairytale every happen to me???

Anyways I could just be wallowing in self pity but I miss companionship. I'm usually way too prideful to admit that I want and crave it. I guess being overly independent does have it's downfalls.

So here I go again seeking answers to the same question I've been asking for years now: Does intention create reality or should the real statement be "Intentions creates your own reality"?

Movies!!!

I thought I'd share my two fav places to go and watch movies online. I just love the fact that I can not only watch new releases for free and sometimes before they come out in the theatres but I don't have to go and listen to the annoying sound of popcorn chewing.

Please feel free to comment with with any other additional movie links!

Here are a few movies I've just watched and recommend:

• Nanny Diaries (It's worth seeing for free. It has it's comical parts and is a great watch if you love to hate rich people . The book was way better)
• Freedom Writers
• El Cantante
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
• Premonition
• Bourne Ultimatum
• Death Sentence
• Mr Brooks
• Good Luck Chuck
• The Good Night

http://www.ssupload.com/

http://www.onlinecinema.org/

Something was just not quite right!

The first clue should have been the fact that I didn't want to kiss! Then the simple fact that the thought of touching "it" grossed me out and made me ponder whether I had turned into a celibate lesbian should have been an even bigger clue that something was just not quite right!

I had an interesting experience last night. It left me pondering this thought: Why do I always make an effort with guys after they leave and or want to call things off!?! I mean I really didn't care until the guy was walking out the door with his bags packed on the way to the airport. It brought me back to last summer when I knew things weren't quite right but the minute "he" tried breaking up with me, I found myself working hard to salvage something that again was just not quite right.

Is this something that is typical of most women? Has anyone else ever experienced this? It's not like I appreciate things more once they are gone, it's more like once they want to leave I fight for them to stay regardless of the fact that I'm not even interested.

Why is it so hard as a women to be left???

What’s up your sleeve???

I have to start off by saying this has been the highlight of my weekend and hopefully this highlight will stick around!

On Thursday I was taking the tram to go pick up a friend at the airport. It was about 9pm and as I approached the door to get onto the tram, I immediately looked for a spot where I should enter. The tram was wall to wall covered with my biggest enemy; purple people eater fans. Yes the Vikings were playing so not only were there tons of fans in the signature purple and gold jerseys but tons of little purple people eater fans running around everywhere. So I just got on and hoped that I would find a place to stand.

Sure enough I had to stand by the door and there was nowhere for me to hold onto the rail. I ended up holding on to the glass that separated the entrance and where people sat. As I reached my hand onto the glass I noticed two purple people eater fans. These fans were different. I saw myself being more forgiving with these fans as I caught eyes with one and smiled. My phone started ringing and it was my friend who was all worried about who I was picking up at the airport so yes I became one of those annoying people on their cell phone in a crowded pubic place.

At this point I couldn’t even hear my friend and I didn’t really care because I kept locking eyes with the enemy sitting down. I felt a poke at my hand and just thought maybe someone accidentally bumped up against my hand but then in happened three more times. I realized then, that it was obviously on purpose and as cute as those guys were it started to bother me. So with my cell phone in hand as I’m chatting away, I leaned over to the guys and say, “Just for that, the Vikings are going to lose in the fourth quarter”. They both started laughing and I went back to my conversation. All of the sudden I feel another tap on my hand and so I leaned back over and he was pointing at my sleeve. The first thing I thought is, “Oh great, I left the tag on my jacket” so I looked at my sleeve only to find a business card.

“Thank you” I say smiling. I looked at the card, read his name, title, company and all I could hear in my head was “Jake, Jake, Jake…he’d look even better in blue and orange. Yeah he’s convertible”. I placed the card in my purse and as distracted as I know was, I kept talking to my friend. I thought maybe I should find out which one Jake was. Of course I was hoping Jake was the one that was “my type”. The best ego boost would have been for Jake to be the one with those baby blue eyes, thick dark hair, 6’2, with a great build but he had to be the one with the girlfriend, right? The other guy was not bad looking but he was a bit older with a completely bald head and bright red cheeks. At first glance, he appeared like he would be a lot of fun. I decided to lean back in toward them and I asked, “Which one is Jake”? The jolly one responded by pointing toward Jake. It was awesome!!!

They both got off one stop before I did so I got to smell Jake as he was leaving and walked by me. He smelled good too. “Have a good night” he said as I smiled watching him exit. I even saw him do a double take before he went down the stairs.

I have to say that was a creative way for him to give me his number. The nice thing about a business card is that it eliminates the employment question and I already know what he does. It just seemed so refreshing from the whole meeting someone online or getting hooked up through a friend. Plus obviously the attraction is there on his part. I guess now it’s just up to me to respond. Hmm…

Battle Scars

Are they sexy?? I'm not talking about emotional wounds or any of that serious deep thought right now. I'm talking about real, raw, battle scars. Is it a sign of adventure? Do scars prove that someone lives life and accidentally got hurt (hopefully accidental) or are they a reminder of all the pain you endured while getting the scar.

I'm know I'm about to have a scar and while all I can remember at this point is how angry I was when I saw the box cutter, there is the plus side of coning the doctor in prescribing just about 20 more Darvocets than necessary.

So I ask you what do you think about scars???

PMDD or just plain ol' PMS??

I'm usually not that bad during that time of the month but 2-3 times a year I get the privilege of having the worst cramps and becoming the biggest biatch. It's all a reminder that I am women, right?

Today I have a friend arriving from Arizona. I can tell now that I should feel bad for him. Maybe if I just keep my self hydrated with plenty of alcohol I should be OK!

I don't use the excuse of "the time of the month" but when I do it means serious business. It means that I am in horrible pain and it feels like someone is stabbing me from the outside in. Yes, stabbing pain coming from an area that should feel pleasure! It means that everything you do is going to annoy me, extremely. It means leave me alone and when I say nothing is wrong. It means that I really really don't want to talk about how much of a bitch I'm being. It means don't blow your smoke in my face and don't talk to me unless I initiated conversation. It also means that if you ask me a question, be prepared for raw truth.

OK so I think the PMS has subsided for now although my roomie just gave me a kiss on the cheek and I yelled at him to get his slobbery lips away from me...oops! I can tell this is going to be one of those days where I can't even deal with myself!!

Meet my team. DA BEARS!

Meet my favorite and the best team in the whole world:) We are 2008 Superbowl bound!




Click here for a printable Chicago Bears Schedule: http://assets.chicagobears.com/assets/team/07_cb_schedule.pdf

www.chicagobears.com

What is beautiful?

What is beautiful? How do I know if I am beautiful? Do I judge by what I am on the inside? We all know that in our society that is the biggest line of bullshit. I love it when people say, "everyone is beautiful" and then to their horror I say, "no, everyone is not". I'm obviously not basing that on knowing someones inner beauty because at first glace one can not tell such a thing.

For example lets say you walk into a bar. Usually most of the people I know including myself do not look at the 300 pound guy with the mullet style hair and say "wow, he is really beautiful". Our first reaction is to judge someone based on their looks. Another example being most single guys I know would totally sleep with the "beautiful girl with no brains" as opposed to the girl with the "beautiful personality". This is of course usually initial attraction because I also know that most guys are looking for more than just a pretty face when it comes to anything long term. Notice how I did not say they aren't looking for a pretty face. They are looking for a pretty face and then some.

I guess externally I do not think everyone is beautiful and I know beauty is so subjective but I want to know, physically what is beautiful to you??

Meet my roomie

Fabulous Ren with her fabulous and favorite mo' roomie, Christopher!

Give me life??

I must be the "mistake" reflection for her when she looks at me. I've never felt such contempt by anyone in my life like I do her. What did I do wrong. Why can't I just feel loved? Do you really hate me or do you hate what you never became. Do you hate what I can have? Oh please will you just love me. PLEASE please I beg you...

This never ending battle is like playing shoots and ladder when you are a kid. You could almost be safe and about to win the game, and then you get sent down some shoot forcing you all the way back to the beginning. After a while, going back to the beginning gets tiring. I want to know when is it time to forfeit? Will I ever really?? These thoughts wanting you to just free me makes me sad.

It has been like this for as long as I can remember. It is a cycle. This toxic battle I know I will lose to. Oh please, please just love me.

Pizza Luce

Preface - I wrote this when I got home from the party and to protect the authenticity of this post, I'm leaving it with all the spelling/grammatical errors!

I went to Pizza Luce tonight. It was a good friends birthday party and we all had way to much to drink. I thought the best thing to do was to have everyone eat. Of course I just watched them all eat the greasy pizza and took bites of the salad I ordered.

There were these guys next to our table. One guy was really attractive but he was with a beautiful girl so I was careful not to flirt too much. I overheard him say, "That cute girl with the green jacket is smiling at me" and I looked over. We made eye contact and he asked me, "Were you smiling at me?".

I'm not quite sure what came over me but I said, "This is a sad night for us...". He asked why and I told him that I was celebrating the loss of my ex. I told him that my ex used to take me here and I wanted to come back to remember him. He got really quite and said, "I'm sorry, I will let you be".

Yes that is what I wanted but then it dawned on me, I was reflecting on a loss and well that place does remind me of him. I know it was wrong of me to say someone died when really then only died in my heart but that was the only way I knew how to describe how I was feeling.