Recap 101

I feel like it's been a while! I have to say I'm sorry for not being as active of a blog reader as I like to. I'm sure you can imagine my life has been a little bit hectic. I find myself coming home from work, taking a nap, waking up very grumpy and hungry, eating, and then needing to go back to bed. Besides not being able to catch up and read all of your fabulous blogs, I haven't even really hung out with my friends. I have found myself going into hibernation. I'm not sure if it's to protect myself or if I've just really craved my alone time?

Lonely is not something I feel right now. I guess I more feel like a survivor. I've had to fight many battles and I can say at this point, I have decided to forfeit and just walk away. That hasn't really been the easiest thing to do.

My family is not being that supportive. I had a horrible breakfast with my father. I am a hardcore liberal but I'm really struggling with the liberal men who seem to view abortion so simplistically. Since when did the definition of Pro-Choice mean that all people who believe in the choice should be able to easily have one? My mother and I have not really ever been close and she's in Seattle living her BMW SUV life with her botox and boob job parties. She hasn't called me once but I did get a nice e-mail from her after sending out my first prenatal update via mass e-mail. My little sister DID call yesterday. It honestly was a pleasant surprise and I'm glad we talked. She was very sweet.

I guess I have really leaned on all of my friends who feel like the family I would have chosen if I could. Most of my friends have been really great and supportive. So far only one of my friends doesn't agree with my choice. I guess that it her right but needless to say, we haven't talked since she told me that.

Yesterday I went to Planned Parenthood with the father. He wanted me to go so that we could have said all our options were explored. I didn't really want to go but I thought maybe I should go through that process with him. It was really hard to go there. After getting let into what felt like a jail with all it's locks and security measures, I felt like I couldn't breath. I totally panicked and felt like the walls were caving in on me! I tried to fill out the paperwork but then I looked glossy eyed into the waiting room and I demanded for my id and ran out.

It took a while for me to leave because they had to release the lock. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough!! I needed air. I looked at him standing behind me and I said, "I can't and will never be able to do that. You can go back but I'm not...I can't". I was really shocked by the look on his own face. He looked a little pale. Then he said, "I didn't want to tell you when we were inside but I felt weird too". It was comforting.

We sat outside the car on a beautiful day in Highland Park and we just talked. Some of the talking was about the baby and some was just about life. He was really kind and gentle with me and I started to feel like I had somehow underestimated him. I know clearly where he stands. He would choice to abort but I think he is finally starting to accept the reality of the situation.

My hope is that he will be an active part of this child's life. My fear is that he may be resentful and that scares me. I look at my own Dad and I can't help but to see that resentment. This whole process had made me think about my own life. I am a supporter of abortion. I believe it should be an option but part of me couldn't help but to feel like if my own father had the choice, I would not be here.

It's taken me 26 years to say that despite all the struggles and hardships I've had with my family, I'm glad they are mine. I'm glad life was chosen for me...